Personal Essay 4

 Giving a ****

Speech kryptonite? Or a way of expression? Curse words can be quite the behavioral dilemma for caretakers and teachers. On one hand, they are words that, when used, effectively knock out the social norms of decency. But, does the use of curse words really matter? After all, they don’t say anything about a person’s morality. What harm would saying a couple of ***** occasionally do? 

I myself have had quite the adventure when it comes to these dirty dogs. Back in middle school, I never used them and HATED people who cursed. My parents always cautioned me in high pitched voices about having vulgar speech, and as a giddy middle school student, I wholly internalized that. When my classmates occasionally let out an f-bomb, I always scolded them. I believed that, by using curse words, they were directing their life to the wrong paths. And, as a completely irrelevant spectator, it was my responsibility to nobly protect them from this terrible future. Furthermore, I thought that they were trying to be different, and used these curse words to make themselves cool and unique. Quite ironically, in the time where everyone was figuring out their preferred speech pattern, I was the one who was trying to seem different. Sure, maybe I just didn’t want to curse. But by rejecting cursing completely as a cardinal sin and lecturing others who did, I tried to set myself apart as this “morally upright” person. 

This aversion to curse words disappeared when I entered Uni. Noticeably more people cursed, and I began to be curious about using such terms. I realized that maybe these words weren’t so bad. After all, what do they say about a person? That they’re a terrible person destined to an early death? That was just ridiculous. So, just like the classmates I previously thought were "ruining their lives" by cursing, I rejected my previous “goody two shoes” ideology and added expletives to my daily language. After all, if I wanted to be cool like the others, I had to adapt to the norm. Even though it felt wrong, I slowly warmed up to it. It made me feel cool.

This slow habit soon became problematic. I started cursing any time I wanted, without much thought. To me, I was being “cool” and “hip”. I swore so much to the point that I started to get in trouble with my teachers, who told my parents what I was doing. Together, both at home and school, they chided me to not curse. 

Honestly, I'm not sure why I scaled back on cursing. It happened gradually - in junior year, I noticed I cursed a lot less than Freshman year. Whether that be because I subconsciously knew it was embarrassing or because my teachers and parents finally got to me, I'll never know. But I do suspect one hypothesis - I stopped cursing because I stopped caring what others thought. Before, I always wanted to portray myself a certain way. In middle school, I wanted to be the good kid who never got in trouble and was a teacher’s dream. In freshman year, I wanted my classmates to see me as someone who was cool. Both times, when I tried to adapt my speech patterns to appeal to certain standards, it felt wrong. But now, as I give less emphasis on what people think of me, my speech patterns have adapted to what I’m comfortable with. 

  I still curse. Some might say, even more than a regular person does. But it's come to the point where I don't have to force myself to speak in the way I do - it just comes naturally. It wasn't like before, where I used it to try and fit in, or completely rejected it in order to appear different. I learned, through my adventure with cursing, that sometimes, you don’t need to give a shit.